The Writer’s Coin

I’m getting married next year. Actually, that’s this year . . . in May.

I’ve been talking about this with other guys (and girls) and there is an interesting link between the decision to marry and our (as men) finances. Which I fully understand because I was once there too. As a man, sometimes it isn’t about “taking the plunge” or “getting tied down,” it’s about having a solid financial/career footing so you can become a “husband.”

My mother always told me the story of why my father delayed getting married, “He would say to me, ‘I need to have my career first. I have no career. You don’t want to marry a man without a career, do you?’”

Which I think most women (young and in love) would reply with “I really don’t care, as long as we’re not living on the street.”

When I knew that M was the one for me, I didn’t ask her to marry me right away—I didn’t like where my career was at: I wasn’t in the industry I wanted to be in long term and I wasn’t making the money I wanted to be making. I was working hard on those things but eventually I reached that point where the urge to marry M beat out any other needs to first have “the perfect job” or anything like that.

So I bought a ring and proposed. This took a lot of time and thinking to get over—it wasn’t easy battling these feelings of wanting to be “better” for your eventual mate. We’re getting married in May and we’re happy—the whole job thing has kind of been pushed into the back of our minds.

But it wasn’t so easy to do that when we first started talking about marriage. Men (myself included) think of getting married as taking a step closer to becoming our dads (don’t worry, it’s mostly an unconscious thing), the only dads we ever knew. Since we hold them to such high standards, now we feel we have to be “perfect” too: a great job that pays well is part of the package. Otherwise, how will you provide for your wife and eventual family? What will her family think if you don’t have a good job and she is marrying you? Don’t you want to be a good husband?

You want everyone to be proud of you, to say “You guys are perfect for each other.”

That’s a lot of pressure. 

Personally, I wanted to at least be in the right field before we got married. Other guys want to be earning a certain amount of money before they get married, because they feel that’s what they need to “adequately” provide for their spouse/eventual family. And still other guys feel like they have to have a certain amount saved up for the eventual home/apartment purchase—one that will be “good enough” for them.

We all have our own thresholds. All these are valid feelings (because that’s what they are, they are not points or arguments) and should be treated thusly. But in the end, the old cliché rears it’s ugly head yet again: money isn’t the most important thing out there. If you listen to people who have been married for a long time (even your own parents), how many times have you heard their stories go something like this, “We were so young, we had no money, but we were very happy”? (I know, sounds like something straight out of Hemingway).

What I’m trying to say is this:

To Women: Understand that these are strong feelings that can’t just be cast aside with a simple “I don’t care about that stuff.” It’s real and it’s hard to ignore.

To Men: I feel you, man. Try your best to get where you need to get to be comfortable with getting married. To achieve your “goal.” But don’t let it get in the way of marrying your soul-mate. And please make sure that you’re not using it as an excuse because you aren’t ready to get married due to other issues. Guys like you will bring the credibility of this post down to zero.

Tags: getting married, money and marriage