Money Saving Tip: Street Begging

Jan 27th, 2009 by Nut

In the spirit of being the host of the Comics and Cents Carnival, I decided I would write the kind of post that I’d like to receive as a submission, just to hold myself accountable for every time that I read submissions and get to play God—deciding what’s funny and what’s not. It’s a serious business.

The next issue comes out on tomorrow Saturday so submit your stories today!

You’ve read all about the different tips and schemes that are out there to help you do boring stuff like “meet your budget” and “pay yourself first.”

Well, la-dee-da, Mr. Fancy Pants.

I’ve got a real system that will not only help you save money and meet your precious budget, it’ll actually make you some money too!

Begging: It’s the New “IT” Thing

You may not have read it in your precious People magazine yet, but begging is the new black. Pretty soon you’ll be seeing your favorite Hollywood star on a sidewalk near you with a creative sign asking for “a little help.”

Why is this? Haven’t you been watching the news, moron? Wall Street has collapsed, banks are going to be owned by the government, and pretty soon we’ll all be using rice as currency instead of money. This is just the new reality of things. Get used to it.

And that’s why I’m here: to help guide you, the novice, through the treacherous waters of sidewalk begging. If you want to generate the most bang for your buck, here is what you need to do:

Be Different: You’re gonna be competing with a lot of people out there that are way prettier than you, smarter than you, and just overall better than you. So find some way to make yourself different.
Pick a Persona: Are you the one people feel super sad for? The guy who is honest and admits he’s gonna buy a drink with whatever change you give him? You can’t be everything to everyone, so pick your niche and master it.
Spend Time on your Sign: Your sign is going to identify you and brand you, so to speak. So spend a little time thinking about it before you go out and steal a box and a marker. You may not find another box, so you’ll have to make this sign a good one. Some favorites (though not original): “Very hungry,” “Stranded, HELP!” “Happy Hour is Coming,” HUNGRY,” and “GIMME.” Again, know who you are before you create your sign.
Juggle: In some third-world countries you’ll see people doing “tricks” to make the begging feel more like performing. My suggestion? Don’t juggle well, even if you can. Go for the pathetic angle: juggle with just one lemon (or ball, or whatever)—people will be like, “Oh wow, he doesn’t even have two balls to juggle with. Hon, pass me that quarter.” Ka-ching!
Outsource: Align yourself with a gang of small children and have them do the begging for you. Then at the end of the day, round them up and pick their pockets clean. Don’t forget to tussle their hair so they think you “care” about them and don’t turn on you.
Don’t Pretend You Aren’t Begging: This is the cardinal sin of begging—don’t do it. “Excuse me sir, sir, if I could just ask you a question? I’m not asking for money sir, I just…” We’ve all been there, and sometimes we fall for it, until five minutes later it becomes “my kids are hungry and…” Don’t do it….just be up front.
Use your kids: Whether you have them or not, the thought of Lil’ Billy sitting at home with a rumbling stomach is one way of gettin’ people to pay up. Use your imagination and have some fun with the names too. It’ll help pass the time.

I could go on and on with these tips, but then we’d both be wasting time that we could be using to go out and beg! Good luck out there and remember: when the going gets tough, the tough get on their knees and beg.

Don’t forget to submit your funny posts about money to the Carnival!