The Writers Coin

Stressing out about the future is perfectly normal. If you didn’t stress out about it, then you wouldn’t be normal. That, and I would really dislike you.

Anyway, lately there have been some very specific questions relating to money that are stressing me out:

• Do we (M and I) make enough money to buy a place we’d like to live in?
• Do I make enough money to potentially start a family?
• Will I ever make enough money so that M doesn’t have to work if she doesn’t want to?

Dealing with the uncertainty of the future isn’t easy, but whenever I start to feel stressed out about these kinds of things, I think back to my French class in college.

Everyone was nervous for our oral exams—nobody wanted to be there because it was embarrassing and awkward to try talking in French in front of everyone. You could feel the fear and stress in the air. And then one day I sat down and looked around me at all the other students in the classroom. And it hit me—we were all in this together. And every single one of us would pass this class without any major troubles.

And that’s when I had my epiphany: At some point, you have to have some faith in yourself and your ability to achieve certain things.

Just like my classmates in French class were going to make it, I’ve realized that millions of people every day worry about having the money for a new place and a child. This is normal. And you know what? They get it done.

If millions of people can do it, I can do it. You just need to have a little faith in yourself.

My wife went for a walk with a friend of hers yesterday and had a really interesting experience:

So we’re walking along the sidewalk and up ahead we see this cute little five-year-old boy standing there with a little table in front of him. On the table is a little plastic bag with some money in it and some construction paper of different colors. And he says to us, “Hi! Do you want to look through my drawings and buy one? I’ll take anything, but I’m trying to get a 20-dollar bill.”

He was so cute so we were like “Sure, let’s take a look at your drawings.” So we’re looking through his drawings and the whole time he’s talking.

“That one’s not very good, I wouldn’t take that one. This is the money I’ve made so far, but my sister gave me the coins. I’m trying for a 20-dollar bill. I’m not very good at selling but I’m working on it. My sister gave me all the coins.”

Then we realize that neither one of us has any money, so we tell him we’re really sorry but all we have is like 25 cents. I tell him, “Sorry but we don’t have any dollars.”

And the kid goes, “Oh. Really? Well, here, you can have some of mine!”

And he starts taking money out of his bag and giving it to us! He gives us each a dollar and we both smile and I say to him, “Thank you so much! Now we have a dollar to buy a drawing from you.”

And the boy says, “No, it’s OK. You can keep it. You don’t have any money, so you can take it. Now you have some money.”

But of course we gave him his money back. We wished him luck and as we walked away we saw his parents sitting on the lawn a few steps away and they asked us which picture we “bought.” We told them it was a Pokemon and that they had a very cute kid. They smiled waved at us goodbye.

Forget about the cute-factor of a story with a five-year-old boy trying to sell his drawings on the sidewalk for a second (I know it’s hard), and think about how his mind worked when my wife and friend said they didn’t have any money. His logic went something like this:

They have no money. I have a bag filled with money. I should give them some of my money.

He wasn’t interested in giving to make himself feel good. He wasn’t interested in getting something in return. He just figured he would share because these two girls didn’t have money and he did.

Why is it so hard for us to share our money with others? At what point does the little boy’s logic disappear and turn us into greedy, money-obsessed adults? Why do wealthy people get so angry when they have to pay more in taxes than poor people who have no money?

I don’t know the answers, but if a five-year old gets it, then it shouldn’t be impossible for the rest of us to get it too.

Photo by Orin Optiglot

This post was an Editor’s Pick at the Carnival of Money Stories. It’s the inaugural edition so make sure to check it out.

I’m on vacation this week in Costa Rica, so instead of being prudent and writing ahead, I’ve decided to highlight some old posts that I really like. I think they are good and didn’t get seen by many people, so here they are!

I always thought that when M and I moved in together it would be harder to keep a joint budget then when I was on my own. And while it may be a little more complicated than having just one account and worrying about your own expenses, it turns out having one budget makes things a lot cheaper. Economists call it “economies of shared living,” and it basically comes down to sharing everything. Instead of paying for everything yourself, now you’re splitting the cost and sharing it between the two of you. Whatever your living situation may be, it’s good to keep in mind how living with someone else (or being in love) can benefit your finances.

• Food: Before I moved in with M, I didn’t like to cook. When I got home, all I wanted to do was relax, watch the Cubs game, and maybe read a book. So cooking was last on my list, and ordering takeout was pretty common. I would buy one of those salads in a bag that has all the fixings and — gross as it may sound — I ate it straight out of the bag. It was mostly pasta and butter in those days for me — simple, quick meals that no one else in their right mind would eat. Now cooking isn’t just about food, it’s about spending time together and doing something as a couple. We pick out what we’ll be cooking for the week on Sunday and when we come home, we make it together. Now a salad is a simple bag of lettuce and we’ll buy stuff separately like feta cheese, olives, tomatoes, etc. Not only are we spending time together and winding down from work, we’re also saving money by not ordering out and having a much tastier, “adult” meal. On nights that we do decide to eat out (usually sushi, which we’ll be learning to make ourselves soon), we often catch ourselves trying to remember the last we ordered. And that’s a good thing for the wallet.
• Entertainment: We like to watch movies, so maybe this doesn’t apply to other couples. But we have a Netflix account and we belong to the Five Buck Club, which means when we go to the movies we only pay $5/ticket. So if we want something to do, we usually just stay home and watch a movie. If we don’t have a new one, we’ll watch TV or read. The idea I’m trying to get across (unsuccessfully, it feels like) is that we don’t need much else to entertain ourselves. As long as we’re together, we have a lot of fun doing whatever it is we’re doing. So even if the movie sucks or the TV show is terrible, we still have fun doing it together. We don’t need to spend $40 to “do something” outside of our apartment. When you’re alone things aren’t nearly as much fun when they suck.
• Going Out: It feels weird admitting this, but we don’t go out as much as we used to. By “going out” I mean hitting up the bars, eating at restaurants, and doing things like that. On an average week, we probably eat out once (either delivery or actually sitting somewhere) and maybe go out for breakfast (brunch) once on the weekends. Maybe to the movies once every couple weeks too. That’s about it. And for all you budgeteers out there, you know that’s a good thing. Staying home isn’t always the most exciting thing to do for a lot of people, but we have such a good time together at home (or with friends) that we don’t feel that urge to go out as much. When I was single, I couldn’t equate staying in with fun — I felt like a loser if I didn’t leave the apartment. It sounds terrible, like we’ve become semi-hermits or something, but it’s not at all like it sounds. Besides, a big reason why you leave your apartment in the first place (when you’re single) is to flirt/find someone to date, so once that’s checked off there’s less incentive to go out.
  

M and I spend a lot of our time together — we’re lucky that our current jobs aren’t taking up excessive amounts of time. We can come home, see each other, do something fun (and frugal) like preparing a meal together, and not feel like we have to go out and spend money to hang out.

Did I miss any other “shared” benefits of being in a relationship?

Our salary plays a huge role in our lives—I truly believe that. It determines where we live, how many bedrooms we have, how often we travel, and whether we shop at a discount store or not at all.

It’s no secret—the amount we make has a HUGE impact on our lives.

But recently I’ve been thinking about how we equate that number with where we are in our lives. When M and I started talking about the possibility of getting married, I was freaked out. Only later did I realize why I thought I was so ill-prepared for taking that next step.

I wasn’t making what I thought was “enough” money to be a husband.

Since then, M and I have discussed this a lot and she still has a hard time understanding that most men see themselves a certain way. And, at least for me, when I thought of myself as “married,” I pictured my own father. And when I think of my father, I think of a provider that made sure we all had everything we needed.

So when I went back to my apartment after talking about marriage and sat down on my tiny futon, in my tiny efficiency apartment with a jittery air conditioner clinging to the window, I thought to myself: “I can’t get married. Not like this.”

Granted, part of me was probably just reacting to the idea of marriage like any other guy does: freaking out. But when I came to terms with the idea of spending the rest of my life with one person, I still couldn’t get over the hump of being married and making what I was making.

It made me feel like a chump.

Lucky for me, I got a new job just before we tied the knot, and I didn’t have to deal with all those issues and emotions. But every now and then they rear their ugly head.

We want to buy a house…eventually.

We want to have kids…eventually.

And I’m starting to feel all that baggage of inadequacy again. I know a lot of people who have been through this keep saying that they didn’t have much when they started out or that they were poor when they were young. And yeah, that helps. But still.

Anyone else out there feel this stuff sometimes? If so, how did you manage to deal with it?