How To Waste Your Time by "Blogging"

How To Waste Your Time by “Blogging”

Blogging is fun, easy, and you can make a fortune! Just follow these simple steps like I have!

First, pick a time: For me, it’s in the morning before anyone else in the world is up. It’s tough to wake up when you don’t have to, but it’s great to get some quiet time before work. Give yourself at least an hour and a half—don’t be lazy!

Fire up the PC: This is absolutely key to the whole process, it’s almost guaranteed you’ll get more actual stuff done if you don’t turn your computer on. To be sure, why not just leave your computer on overnight? I should send that tip over to Lifehacker.
Check your email: Not just your personal account, but the one you use to chat up on the videogame forums too. Oh wait! What ever happened with that one game that was supposed to come out recently? Make sure to follow up on that and see if Rodan47 has responded to your scathing flame about why Pro Evolution is so much better than Fifa. Keep refreshing the page…maybe he’s typing it up as we speak!
Reply to email: Oh my god that’s such a funny picture that your cousin sent you! And that youtube link from Ted? Hilarious! Make sure you reply to their emails and let them know how you almost had coffee coming out of your nose there for a bit. Hey, don’t be rude, make sure you reply to every single message, even the one from that annoying site that’s always trying to sell you a timeshare. Just write up something short and sweet. Or, you know what, unsubscribe, but also send a nice email telling them why. Hey, actually, why not unsubscribe to all the crap that you get in your inbox? Now’s the perfect time!
Think of something to write about: If you’re having trouble coming up with something, hit up the interwebs. Yahoo is a great place to start, but Google is good too. A friend of mine actually goes to Yahoo and searches for “google” and then goes from there. Isn’t that funny? Wait, I have to totally send this story out to my “Funny Stories!” mailing list—they’ll love it. Plus it’ll show up Mackerny**14—she’s always thinking she’s funnier than me. Ugh!
Check out the news: The governor of Illinois did what!!! OMG! I better read up on this so people at work will think I know what’s going on in the world.
Open up Twitter: Oh my god! Look how early some of these other people are waking up. Jabba87 is already on the train to work and I’m in my PJs “blogging.” Wow, makes you think, doesn’t it? Maybe I should blog about that today!
Icanhascheeseburger: LOL! They’re so cute!
Check the box scores: Oh that’s right! The Bulls played last night and, even though they got totally rocked, I gotta see what my boy Derrick Rose did. Seven assists and 15 points? My man! He’s so freakishly good it’s ridiculous. Wait, wasn’t there an awesome article about him in the Trib? I gotta go find that and send it to my buddy Chad, he’s so annoying every time I start talking about the Bulls. He’s all like “Dude, it’s over, MJ ain’t coming back.” So annoying.
Enter tags: Tags are key for people finding my article, so I’m putting in as many as I can. Wow, that’s even more words than my article so far. I’m a genius!
Hot Stove: Oh yeah and has Manny gotten signed yet? Nope. OK, but Kerry Wood is gone to the Indians. Sucks, he was my favorite. Remember when he struck out 20 guys and looked like he was 15 years old? That was awesome! Isn’t there a Youtube video out there of that last strike out where Derek Bell looks like a drunk 12 year old swining at a piñata that isn’t there? Oh I gotta find that!
Post Tweet: “Blogging is hard!” Then link to my last post, the one I wrote three weeks ago. This’ll drive some traffic for sure!
Repeat words: Make sure you repeat words a lot. Why? SEO baby! That’s what keeps people coming! You can play Google’s game and that means you can fool people into hitting up your site. So repeat the same words over and over and you’ll be all set! And put those words in the tag space too! I rock!
Stare Out the Window: It’s called “getting inspired” people! Sometimes I can just look out and kind of get lost in my…own… Wait, what am I doing again?
Hulu: Have you seen It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia? No? Oh my god! Check it out on Hulu, you can watch the whole episode! I’m just going to watch a little—oh this one is sweet! Just one episode, I swear, then back to work!
Check Email Again: No one loves me. Ugh!
Check Analytics: How come people aren’t coming to my site!? Jeez! Here I am getting up early in the morning every day to blog and it’s like no one even cares. This sucks. Well, maybe I made some money on Adsense. What! Five cents this month! What the hell people?? People are so dumb, how can they not appreciate a genius when he smacks them over their head with such incredible prose and awesome insight? Like my post about blogging being so hard but still I’m so good at it? That got like seven hits in a whole WEEK! I swear, I think it’s because I’m so much smarter than everyone else on the blogosphere. Maybe I need to add more ads…let’s fire up Adsense too then!
Check Email Again: Still nothing? Maybe if I send more than I receive…