Your Salary and Your Life
Feb 17th, 2009 by Carlos
Our salary plays a huge role in our lives—I truly believe that. It determines where we live, how many bedrooms we have, how often we travel, and whether we shop at a discount store or not at all.
It’s no secret—the amount we make has a HUGE impact on our lives.
But recently I’ve been thinking about how we equate that number with where we are in our lives. When M and I started talking about the possibility of getting married, I was freaked out. Only later did I realize why I thought I was so ill-prepared for taking that next step.
I wasn’t making what I thought was “enough” money to be a husband.
Since then, M and I have discussed this a lot and she still has a hard time understanding that most men see themselves a certain way. And, at least for me, when I thought of myself as “married,” I pictured my own father. And when I think of my father, I think of a provider that made sure we all had everything we needed.
So when I went back to my apartment after talking about marriage and sat down on my tiny futon, in my tiny efficiency apartment with a jittery air conditioner clinging to the window, I thought to myself: “I can’t get married. Not like this.”
Granted, part of me was probably just reacting to the idea of marriage like any other guy does: freaking out. But when I came to terms with the idea of spending the rest of my life with one person, I still couldn’t get over the hump of being married and making what I was making.
It made me feel like a chump.
Lucky for me, I got a new job just before we tied the knot, and I didn’t have to deal with all those issues and emotions. But every now and then they rear their ugly head.
We want to buy a house…eventually.
We want to have kids…eventually.
And I’m starting to feel all that baggage of inadequacy again. I know a lot of people who have been through this keep saying that they didn’t have much when they started out or that they were poor when they were young. And yeah, that helps. But still.
Anyone else out there feel this stuff sometimes? If so, how did you manage to deal with it?
I know what you mean – when sometimes you look at your parents lives, what they accomplished, and where they ended up, and you think of how tough it must have been. You don’t feel up to the task sometimes.
I guess that’s just part of living the life, facing up to our fears and inadequacies, and moving on and succeeding despite them!
Micah and I had a long talk about this the other night…why do these talks always seem to happen after 10:30? We were running into some trouble balancing his dissertation with the rest of our lives. On the one hand, it’s very important that he writes it. But on the other, we need to have some kind of interaction and spend time together or else what’s the point of having a good job in the future? He was feeling like the two responsibilities were too much, I had to reassure him that I didn’t need a husband who could support us on his own yet. That I was just fine with working if that meant I got to spend time with him.
I think the emotions of a graduate student situation are similar to salary worries, etc, for the future. It’s not easy because sometimes I get worried about things too. We deal with them as they arise…the biggest problem for us is recognizing what they are at the root instead of letting them get displaced into other worries/arguments.
What a classic, awesome photo that is.
It’s no secret – the amount we make has a HUGE impact on our lives.
I like the frankness. Salary definitely affects us – our lifestyle, our choices, our opportunities, etc.
I’m excited to have children, but I definitely want to be a good provider, and it’s tempting to wait until we have a very solid financial footing. Then again, we don’t want to put it off forever, so we may have to exercise some faith that things will work out even if we don’t have a huge financial cushion. It helps that I have 13 nieces and nephews and I’ve seen my siblings effectively handle their finances without a problem.
Sounds like a similar conversation my DW and I had over 13 years ago. We discussed budgets, income, debt over and over and I think I really got worked up and felt overwhelmed with wanting everything right away. The reality is we just needed to focus on our immediate bills and start saving something. We did and it worked out for us to rent for 6 years while building up our savings for a home.
It’s nice to hear that other people are having these conversations with their significant other. I’m very optimistic that we’ll “figure it out,” but knowing others are in the same boat is good to know.
I had those same types of feelings when I got married. However, on my wedding day, I had a much better paying job than I do now, with a much better chance of moving up, so I wasn’t as concerned.
A lot of times, I just remind myself to think logically, and that a marriage is about working through things together, and that I don’t believe that it’s the man’s role to be the provider. I believe in sharing that burden with my wife.
Seems like you’ve followed me around with a video camera! I can related to this a lot. I guess this is one of the biggest struggle folks are facing at the moment.
I feel just like you! I feel like, I should be earning more for my age (24), I should be doing more to upgrade my awful-looking backyard, my boyfriend and I should both be trying to better our financial situation. Everyone has told me as well that they were poor when they started. I know my parents were dirt poor AND they had me and my brother, so at least I dont have kids. The funny thing is that I recently got a promotion and a significant payrise (over 10%) and now I actually feel more mature and adult like. Weird, huh?
I make significantly more than my husband do. For the longest time before we got married, he had this notion that he must enough to “support a family.” I think he is starting to understand that “support” does not always mean financial support.
But since both of us are Chinese, it is very difficult for my parents and his parents to understand that a lot of decisions revolve around my job because I am the primary earner in our family.
When we stop looking outside of the “inner circle,” we rarely have conflicts regarding money and the roles we should play in our marriage.